Unleashing My True Self: A 20-Something's Fight Against Inauthenticity
Last Updated: October 2024
Author’s Note
Before you read this, I want you to know that this piece needs a rewrite—a new take on how I feel about authenticity. It’s fascinating, for lack of a better word, to see how I felt a year ago. Do I still feel the same? I wouldn’t go as far as saying the same, but there’s definitely more to it now.
I’ve been learning a lot, and I think it’s important that I went through that phase of my life. Why am I still keeping this up? Because I find it valuable. It helps me understand who I was then and how I’ve changed since. It’s been well over a year since I wrote this, and while the content may no longer reflect my current views, it holds value in showing how far I've come and how my insights have evolved.
I want you to know that an updated version of this piece is in the works. For now, you can read the thoughts of my past self—someone who was holding onto a lot of anger and resentment:
Fight Against Inauthenticity
B!tch, I’ve had a whole a$$ epiphany: I’ve been struggling to be myself.
Like do I know who I am? Yes, but very much no. The social aspect of college got me all the way f*cked up.
B!tch, I just feel like the culture difference was a lot on me. I grew up always being around people of color, so I was shocked when I entered college. I completely understand why this girl I was super close with in the beginning of college, dropped out. I do be questioning if I should’ve, too, but, hey, can’t change the past.
I deadass just feel like I don’t know how to act because of my previous inability to show who I was throughout my college experience at a PWI. And listen, you can tell me, statistically, that it wasn’t even half white (I checked out this website, too, for fun) - that statistic HIGH KEY surprised me, I’m not going to lie - but I feel like the difference was with socioeconomic class, to be f*cking honest (I couldn’t find stats for this, so this was just mere observation and judgment). Also, most, if not all, other people of color -whom I’ve met- grew up in places that were predominantly white, so our experiences and backgrounds varied significantly, which made it a little harder to connect. Growing up, I never felt like I had to be anyone else because I was comfortable with who I was - I didn’t feel as if I was singled out as different, whereas in college, I felt hella different, bruh. It was hard to feel comfortable with who I was because it was a struggle to connect with others on a deeper level.
Now, I feel like I’m only “myself” around my family and a handful of other people - I don’t express that authentic side of me enough anymore, so most of my brain is stuck in this “try to conform to the culture around me” survivor mode (ew). Kinda deep, kinda dark. Yeah that place got me more f*cked up than I thought LMAO.
I’m f*cking glad I had this epiphany, though, cause what the f*ck, how dare I let that place dictate my life in a negative way. LOL well, here’s to a year of more self-discovery, being more comfortable with who I am, and not giving a F*CK.
xoxo,
kaels
too bad ain’t me<3
Read more about my college experience here!
