What it’s like being a woman of color at Santa Clara University

Being a woman of color at Santa Clara University feels a little like Get Out, not to be dramatic or anything. Don’t get me wrong, higher education is definitely a privilege, and I can say that I am very privileged to be attending one. However, it honestly doesn’t feel like a privilege when you feel like you’re in a constant fight with the institution.

Background

If I’m being completely honest, I have been struggling in so many ways at SCU since freshman year. When I first came to campus, I was in shock, to say the least. There were so many wh*te people. The diversity was very lacking, it was and is very apparent. I felt as if I was never heard or listened to, throughout my whole entire time here.

Honestly, it’s hard enough being stuck in a place where you don’t feel like you belong, where you’re surrounded by people who look and act different than you, who don’t hold the same values as you, and who live completely different lives than you. That alone was and is so hard. However, the microaggressions and blatant ignorance that I experienced from so many people is just astonishing. I have honestly always wanted to speak up and speak out, but it’s so hard.

I spent my first two years at SCU feeling trapped. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely made my trapped time there a good one. There is no doubt in my mind that I had fun; I was still able to make friends and be social, but I had to conform. Well, I felt like I had to conform. Though I kind of did, it was never complete; I honestly changed so much, but I always felt like an outsider. I just knew I was different because of how I grew up and my upbringing. That being said, I knew that I was never going to fully assimilate but I literally felt like I had to, I just felt like I had to in order to survive. The thing was, I never wanted to drop out. I liked the education I was receiving; I really truly did and still do, which is why I’m still here. That was and is the only thing keeping me here. However, it ended up compromising my identity at first; I literally felt like I had no idea who I was. I was so lost and felt so alone, but still managed to have a good social life. It’s still so bizarre to think about because I was honestly mentally struggling a lot.

Experiences

Though I did like the education I was receiving, I don’t think I had the ability to receive it at its full capacity because of my fear to speak up. I already looked different, I just thought I couldn’t speak up because it would be known I was different. I was in a class where a group of wh*te students were presenting. Their presentation was on #SayHerName and they posed a discussion question along the lines: what strategies can police use to not inflict police violence? That question in itself honestly made me infuriated and made me sweat. I was livid. LIKE BRO WHAT? What kind of f*cking question is that? I say, defund the f*cking police. The thing is, I wanted to say that, but then I heard peoples’ answers, talking about educating the police and I just froze, I got even more mad. I was in such shock by the question posed already, so how did I not see these answers coming? I am honestly still in shock that that was a discussion question they came up with and I am in more shock that I didn’t speak my truth. But fear overcame me forreal.

This is just one experience where I felt paralyzed by fear. I actually had fear when taking an intro to ethnic studies class. I was so excited to take it, but then I walked into the class. The lecturer was a wh*te man. Mind you, he had dreads. That was it for me, I knew it wasn’t going to be the course I anticipated. It’s literally an ethnic studies course with a wh*te male lecturer and a room full of wh*te students… Anyways, I remember writing a paper on some of my experiences and he totally invalidated my entire paper and my entire life, basically. Writing about your own personal experiences and for a wh*te man to invalidate them is just so infuriating that I cannot even put it into words. Even just thinking back on it makes me so mad. And no, he doesn’t work there anymore.

Microaggressions are hard to deal with themselves, especially because sometimes it’s not even noticed right away. However, it’s harder when it becomes too much and there’s not adequate help available.

Present

When the announcement that classes will be held in-person for the 2021-2022 school year, I literally freaked out. I don’t know if it’s obvious, but I don’t like this place. In my head, I was thinking there’s no way they’re going to force everyone to be in-person so soon, I can probably still take my desired classes online. However, all my thoughts were false. After countless phone calls and emails, I felt so unheard. I expressed my concerns: the fact that going back wouldn’t be beneficial for my mental health, the fact that I would feel safer online, the fact that I work better online. It honestly felt like so much so soon and it was already making me feel overwhelmed. I literally hadn’t even started classes and just thinking about going back was stressing me out. After all of this back and forth, it was clear to me that no one was really listening to what I had to say. One lady I talked to actually told me I can withdraw if all of this was making me uncomfortable and stressed. A big f*ck you to her, because that made me feel so shitty honestly. I was telling these people that I wasn’t prepared in any way to go back, but they truly didn’t care. No cap, I cried after all the phone calls and emails; I was so frustrated because it was giving me so much anxiety to have to go back to a place that only stresses me out.

I mean, they did express that there’s resources to help me, but they always do this. They just fail to have good, reliable sources. Honestly, I just didn’t understand this whole transition back to campus because I felt as if they weren’t prepared. Besides COVID-19 preparations, they weren’t prepared. I just really want to know how we were ignored basically screaming for adequate mental health resources, but they still managed to build and renovate so many buildings. Were students screaming for renovations? I just really don’t understand how this lack of preparation even happened. The thing is, it’s not even that, though. The f*cking reaction to everything going down this quarter. This first quarter back. That’s what was even more disturbing. The school’s mere reaction to any negative event is so awful. It’s literally been awful, but now it’s so blatantly obvious.

If I’m being honest, I wasn’t even surprised when they failed to help me with taking my classes online. This wasn’t my first encounter with the school where they failed to help me. I knew that they only cared about money and their academic reputation. I, unfortunately, had to figure this all out on my own. Not just the school itself, but how to navigate the school in a way that least disrupts my peaceful mental state. I say unfortunate because I know I’m not supposed to be figuring that sh*t out on my own, but I did. I got sucked into the toxicity of this place and I just didn’t want it to continue. I understood the school only cared about money and their reputation, so I really just focused on the actual learning part. I honestly couldn’t care less about the other parts. I really am just there to learn and earn my degree. However, not everyone’s like that. People were literally asking for so much help, and the school just failed everyone. I really feel like they could’ve been more prepared; they could’ve done their research to prepare, especially to the students often overlooked, us BIPOC students. If not that, then at least have better responses to it.

Conclusion

So what’s the experience of a woman of color on SCU like? What do you need to know? Well, that it honestly f*cking sucks. It feels like you have to scream even louder to be heard, if even at all. People will assume things about you, people will belittle you, people will literally talk down at you, but honestly, f*ck them! We literally made it to the same f*cking place. So let me tell you what it takes: it takes a lot of strength, unfortunately. It takes intrinsic motivation and you really have to continually self reflect. It takes looking at your own roots and values to stay grounded. It’s hard as f*ck. We can’t let anyone underestimate us, we have to stay together and continue to fight for what’s right. Please, don’t lose yourself to a toxic environment. Make yourself heard. It’s easier said than done, but we really have to just stick together, f*ck these oppressive institutions!

xoxo,
kaels
live life with love to avoid regret<3

P.S. This is just my personal experiences and my personal takeaways and advice. In no way, shape, or form am I implying it’s like this for every other woman of color, but I wanted to speak my own truth and experience.

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