Embracing a Matriarchal Mindset Beyond the 'Airhead' Stereotype

Instagram: @xoxokaels

On a daily basis, I’m a complete airhead. Look, I’m smart, don’t get me wrong, but I have my “dumb moments,” and my family will literally be like, “You’re so pretty,” and I just smile because, well, yes.

There are no thoughts that live in my head. Inner monologue? She’s there, but she’s mostly thinking about lip gloss and cute outfits.

I’m literally one video stream away from being “Yay me! Starring London Tipton.”

I truly live in my own world.

It wasn't until recently that I had actual ✨thoughts✨—some might even consider them profound. I thought about how I may be perceived, and I have one word for you: GROSS!!!

For the first time ever, I saw myself through a patriarchal lens, and I was truly disgusted.

My Foundation

I have always been surrounded by strong women of color. Growing up with a single father, the other women in my family stepped up to help raise me and my sisters. This included, but was not limited to, my aunties and my grandma. Surrounded by these strong, independent women, they made it clear that women are capable of anything, especially since my generation was filled with girl cousins.

Despite living in a patriarchal society, my environment felt like a matriarchy—my grandma is literally the matriarch of our family. I felt so blindsided when I grew up and started learning about society’s expectations. All I ever heard was: “focus on yourself and school,” so I made those my priorities. They were subtly implying that I shouldn’t let a relationship distract me, but it was never directly pointed out.

No one ever said “no boys!” or anything like that. Since it was never explicitly mentioned, it just didn’t occur to me that a relationship (in my case, with boys) was something important or worthy of my attention.

Because of my upbringing, I’ve always felt comfortable with who I am. The focus was on developing my own sense of self and pursuing my interests—school, hobbies, and personal goals. Romantic relationships were never really a topic of conversation.

I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve always dressed the way I wanted to, without judgment from my family. I never felt the need to “cover up” or “dress appropriately” at family gatherings—what I wore was simply accepted. While they might joke about where the rest of my clothes were, I knew they weren’t serious. They never criticized my style; they knew exactly who I was, and that wasn’t going to change based on what I wore.

Because of this, I feel sheltered by my matriarchal upbringing. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s a big part of why I am so comfortable in my body today.

Redefining the Lens

The reason I bring this up is because I sometimes forget that others have different perceptions. I’ve always naturally gravitated toward people who share similar beliefs and who reject patriarchal norms. This is what I mean when I say I live in my own world. Being around people who think like me, I sometimes forget that not everyone shares these beliefs.

There are people, across all genders, who still view things through a patriarchal lens. When I had satan’s salad (IYKYK), my mind went into an abyss of thoughts shaped by that lens.

I’ve known about the patriarchy for a long time and continue to learn how to dismantle it, but it never crossed my mind to actually think through that lens.

When I tell you I was disgusted, I mean it. Like, what do you mean some people think that way? What do you mean some people judge me negatively just based on how I dress?

Look, if you need me to spell it out: it blows my mind that some people dress for male validation. The idea that anyone would think I dress this way to seek male attention? Disgusting. I dress the way I do for MYSELF. I walk into spaces focused on me. It’s truly my world, and everyone else is just living in it. The center of my attention is me, me, and—oh, you guessed it—ME. Not one bone in my body gives a f*ck about the MaLe gAzE—if anything, I want to piss men off. Like, don’t test me right now.

It just sucks that so many people have to unlearn these beliefs, only to then discover that they actually matter—that their voices, opinions, and lives matter, and that they don’t need a man for any of it.

What I’ve Learned

While I’m grateful to have been surrounded by positive, uplifting people, it’s made me think about those who didn’t have that same experience and are now unlearning patriarchal beliefs.

Maybe, just maybe, living in my own world and being a bit of an airhead has its benefits—it’s helped me stay grounded in my own values instead of being swayed by outside expectations.

I genuinely hope everyone can recognize how a patriarchal society can skew our perceptions and consider how we can work to dismantle it for a more inclusive future. But beyond dismantling the patriarchy, it’s also crucial to reflect on whether we’re still playing into these structures ourselves. After all, collective change begins with individual action.

Empower yourself by embracing a matriarchal mindset and letting go of patriarchal beliefs.

xoxo,
kaels
too bad ain’t me <3